Rayos de Luz.

I woke up in little mexico today. I love never knowing where I will really be each day. Or at least in my fantasy mind I wont. I have a neighbor that I believe is hard of hearing, a petit little mexican lady (possibly in her seventies) that blares mexican tv that usually I can’t hear when I’m in my studio but any time I’m in the halls I’m sure if I was fluent in spanish I would be able to gab with her about the soap she is constantly watching bc it would be hard to miss any detail. Today it was music that lasted from mid-morning to early afternoon. I couldn’t miss a single beat with my windows wide open to adjust my little studio to the heat with the Santa Monica air. My current sofa bed is placed perfectly beside my side-by-side windows, that for a moment when I woke up and all I could see was the building next to me and hear the music like I was walking the streets of Playa Del Carmen, I actually thought I was waking up in Playa Del Carmen. Its sunny and beautiful and the building next door has that peach hue to it that you find in so much architecture of mexico. It made me fantasize I was on vacation for just long enough that all my irritants made sense as I was reading my Elle magazine.

Yes I actually read my magazines from cover to cover. When I get a moment or actual day to enjoy my magazines, instead of flipping through looking at just all the pretty things, I am more Me. Things make more sense and I don’t feel a shallow greedy desire for the things I don’t really want. Does this sound material to you? Well it’s not. Enjoying my Elle or W, or some random french/italian/japanese fashion magazine (that i really can’t translate fluently) provides a relaxing feeling nothing else can. It provides clarity, not on the world, but daily life that can be so antagonizing. In this particular Elle the Editor’s Letter began a focus on an issue that recently irritated me, and as a woman can not be dismissed on a regular basis.

The letter begins with a story of a beautiful woman, who despite trying to cover up her beauty and be as modest as possible with her work attire, found herself distracting to male co-workers and therefore out of a job.  It led on with everything in between , and ended with Drew Barrymore thirty something and ever-changing. This woman tried to cover up a beauty, that so many find themselves lusting after, in order to be viewed as a professional. Why cant a beautiful woman’s intellect rate over her beauty even in this modern-day? Thats a huge topic all on its own that could take more than a lifetime to cover, but it brings me to my on again off again realization. I am no Angelina Jolie, but I have had a constant struggle my entire life having a “pretty face” and appreciating my own assets. I want to be ground breaking. I want to push the boundaries of my mind and those around me ten-fold again and again. I find myself bored and wasteful when I can’t feed off of that type of energy, not to mention bitter. I feel put in a box and as though I can only have one thing to offer. I have been through my phases of hiding anything beautiful about me, and the ones of exploiting it more than I should, and back again. I hate that I get a comment from one person to “be careful what you wear, you know they’re looking” when I am already trying to cover up what I can. Then the next moment I am encouraged to “show off what ya got” otherwise no one is going to be looking. All women have an asset or two, so should we ALL be flaunting or hiding them? I’m coming to the conclusion that the people who suggest to hide anything you could flaunt are uncomfortable with themselves. I’m not saying go out there and leave nothing to the imagination, but I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my own skin. If you find yourself noticing someone elses assets, and find a problem with it, then ask yourself: “Why do I care?” There is always more than meets the eye, and its up to you to find out what it is.